Self disclosure #1

I'm too young to be jaded with the way things are in my 20 years of living. A million opportunities and possibilities await, just a matter of taking a leap of faith and plunging into the world of maybes. I am at a point in life; at the perfect age, to live in uncertainty and to learn from mistakes. It shapes and defines my future being, yielding thoughts of what ifs as I age. If I don't take the jump now, I never will. So live life the way I say I will, and be in the moment of each living minute. Isn't this the way we were meant to live? To be on the edge and to be thankful for what has been achieved; sacrifices made and pushing limits. After all, how can you love life without ever endangering it? Stop living with a harness wrapped and encircled a million times around each fleeting moment.

This is a wake up call.

It may not be an identical reflection, but all of you are just as fucked. Play the judiciary panel as much as you like, but at the end of the day, that light you shine on me today will be in your face. I don't need to partake in your sick little demented games, or your insatiable need to be inebriated for the world to spin in its order. I see you've made your point in elevating my flaws, but honey, do you not ever trip on pebbles? All of you commit to this unanimous decree of damnation based on the accounts, but a similar situation dating a few months back presented no qualms due to differing characters. That's where I'm baffled. Does the jury approve of the action, but the impending sentencing varies with differing allies?

A part of me screams good riddance as I wish you never left scattered imprints in my life. Have a good one.

As always, late nights contribute to late night ramblings and musings. This time, however, I'm lost for words. So many outlets of emotions I'm incapable of capturing as I find myself caught on a balancing scale in true Libra mode. I realise I may need to have little outlets of anger before I blow up into a million little pieces, but I could never find the heart to be little miss grumpy. It's a curse to feel like I owe it to others, and although there may be a remedy to such a superficial need, I highly doubt its effectiveness on me. The need for approval is killing me softly, with Pat Benatar as a soundtrack. How ironic.

It's been quite sometime since I've felt this urge to fill this space. Maybe it's the wee morning, the serenity of it, the loneliness- but wait, I'm not lonely. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to be happy for, yet there's that damn blackhole I keep falling into.

It feels so perfect, and flawed in many ways. I want to take a step back, and watch that space but too late for that now. The turmoils of an impatient soul. At this point in time, life seems so fulfilling, yet empty at the same time.

I find solace in self pity, and I pity myself for doing that. Pathetic.

'twas a good week away. Shades of grey replaced by vibrant knowing colours which paint a smudged canvas, turning it into a great piece of art. It's a strange feeling nonetheless, a form of happiness dipping in a pool of sadness, with drizzling guilt pouring. Thoughts racing into my mind, heart pumping and body aching, not ever have I wanted to listen to Pink Flyod and Rufus Wainwright sing my emotions into a tune more. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this feels different, a good kind of different, breaking the usual rush and absolute need for a label and reassurance. I think I'm really happy for once. So there :), one to start the day and hopefully another to end it.

There is often some kind of composure which differentiates mobile and notebook typing. Today I did one of the most outrageous things in my life. I jumped off a plane without a parachute. The thrill is there, and sometimes when you're halfway through, with gravity calling on you, you think, hey this may not be as bad as it seems. I think in the end it all boils down to mental awareness and preparation. Sometimes you learn to let go, sometimes situations force you to let go. My case was the latter, but now there could be a turn, some form of enlightenment that the past no longer shadows my future. I may not be completely composed and ready to hit that one-way street but heck, I'm already at the tollgate, it's just a matter of prolonging the scanning of that smart tag in hand. This could form a good outcome in the end.

On a completely irrelevant note, there are friends you stick by just to kill time, and then there are those who you call put of desperation. In the end, the ones you enjoy are your little treasures in life. Sometimes I'm afraid I've found them too soon.

Lectures have begun, that monotonous routine will thus consume 3 months of precious time. But hark! What do I see? A much anticipated escapade in a matter of days.

Good day everyone.

1 August 2010
Tried raspberry blackcurrant at Starbucks.

2 August 2010
Erased all data from my phone.

Gaining one piece of my life, at the cost of losing another. Time for self discovery once again.

embrace what you have

be envious of nothing

for everything is flawed

one way or another

from here, absence epitomizes 2nd placing,
presence to coerce and display affection
a simple text message can hurt


there is finally a choice; the grass is greener on the other side
a matter so petty, yet i'm complaining
i suppose it's time i grasp the idea of how some would just stay as what they are
no matter how i try, or not
the latter then explains how you do not engage me to try


the latter puts me at ease, because then that loss is one which i can accept.

Today was a different crowd in the same setting. Flooding laughters and teasings, alongside the obligatory pool rounds.

It didn't click; feels afloat.

Our 9th was Kenny Rogers and 17 Again. I wouldn't trade it for the world :)










How do you know a risk is worth taking? The eligibility comes with an ultimatum, and one I'm possibly incapable of deciding. Present me a time machine to aid the making of my decision. The capability is felt. However, the presence of doubt kills every possible alternative. I need to look at some clear skies, and listen to some silence.

The audacity of that proclamation is one for the books. However, it should be of expectancy from the missing backbone that holds the skeletal form. With phalanges that grab on to any form of extort, comes a skull that is desired to be crushed. A crushed skull would then fail to hold a brain that lacks the capacity to think- therefore not much of a loss to anyone. Above the distorted pelvis, is a stomach that does not belong, for its consumption of borrowed grub. Lungs that spread out, no longer held by the rib cage, are seemingly darker in shade for the many oral fixation others gave. The dead heart remains, because it was never alive to begin with. Despite enormous watts of compassion and empathy given, it could and would not live for it has been deadly engraved with one word. Selfish.

I have the answer, but somehow there is refusal to learn from that. However, my opinion is that I shouldn't have the answer, because I shouldn't even have a question to begin with. What seems amazing is that it took me six months to sink this in.

The Monkey Says: Here, Have An Apple

There was once a girl who wore a mask. She ate with it, slept with it, laughed with it; she never took it off. In the beginning, no one questioned the person behind the mask, rather, found the mask pretty adoring and lovely. However, as time progressed, deceptions and ridiculous accusations were made by the person who holds the satisfaction in wearing the mask, and by being deceptive. What he said, what she said, she played her cards right most of the time, with the occasional slip here and there. But of course, nobody noticed. At first.

She lived her life in that few months, successfully gaining the trust of her friends whilst cleverly fabricating anything that has happened, is happening, and will happen. Some stories include imaginary cars and guitars, some on impossible sexual activities, and there were even imaginary hospital surgeries! She taught she had everything planned out well. With friends to believe her, to help her tell her stories, she was bound to be the most popular girl in the world.


Wake up little girl. You're nothing but blobs of bullshit mashed together.

maybe we should stop talking, and start listening.


maybe i should stop talking, and start listening.

giving has taken a toll on me

and everything else just seem rather cloudy

be contented

I have a swollen right eye. Or to be more exact, in my sister's words, bacterial eyelid infection. I've completely lost my double eye-lids and whoever thought the size of my eyes could shrink anymore? I was supposed to have gone to the clinic an hour ago but everyone at home is so caught up with more important agendas (television, resting, 90210), that the sick, swollen-eye child has been forgotten. For the past twelve hours, Optrex is my best friend and it feels as though I have to fight to keep my right eye open. No, no pictures will be taken in fear for future blackmailing.

During my free, or not-so-free time, I enjoy scanning through uploaded photos in facebook, and reading posts in blogs. When I do come across photo albums that mean much more (unlike sixty photographs of oneself in several different locations and facial expressions), let's say expeditions or educational trips, I turn green. It's inspiring to see one so inspired and in love with what they do. If you look closely, you can see that flame, lit in one from far away. It makes me wonder if I could ever be so enthusiastic about one thing in my entire life, than their one of multiple projects in life.

Jean, Amelia and I were at the mamak stall the night before, talking about accomplishing something in life before we pass on. Some have resolutions to do something new and different every single day, to live life to the fullest, but is it really as easy as it seems? Are there really so many things you can do without the financial support and vacant time? Sure, it could be little things like saying hello to a stranger one day, but would little things like that impact your life at all? If the stranger isn't apprehensive about the intentions of another stranger saying hello, then yes, there could be a probable acquaintance or perhaps something even more. It increases the width of your social network, but life-impacting? Doubtful.

I need something I'm completely passionate about; there's a flame that needs to be lit.

I'm sure she's sorry.