Twenty days is my clock, ticking with every second indicating I'm closer to the first paper of the biggest exam of my life, yet. For the past month I've been believing in a lie that Everything will fall into place in the right time, that I'd be able to cover all my study subjects in time, despite my occasional procrastinations and what nots. I'm beginning to learn the truth that Twenty Days is not enough and tick tock, all I can do at the moment is welcome the permanent visit of Mr. Worrywart. Perhaps I've never thought much about this exam, thinking it can't be that hard, cocky to think that I'm smart enough to ace them, and even if I don't, it isn't the end of the world. I think that's the problem with me, I always prepare a cushion for me to fall back on. I don't allow myself to fall hard, to learn a lesson because I am always pampering myself with ideas and solutions even if the outcome isn't pretty. I secure myself with the mind set that I cannot change the past, that whatever comes my way, has to be taken in. 5 minutes later, I shrug it off. That is the fucking problem with me, I don't take anything seriously. It has never occurred to me that the only reason I need to comfort myself with not being able to change the past is because I don't work for the future. I don't work hard enough. I say I do, but I don't. I play everything at ease, and expect everything to be done in a snap of my fingertips. I won't lie, one month ago, I seriously believed in achieving 10A1s. I believed I could, despite being so shallow that there could be no comparison to it. Now see how it is further proven, by thinking that I can achieve what I want. It has been long since I've ever achieved what I want, what I aspire to achieve, what I dream and think about before I fall asleep everyday. It has never happened and here I am to admit to the truth is that I Am Not Committed.

For this one time, I am. I truly believe I am, I really want to be but as the saying goes, old habits die hard. It is hard for me to attain what I see myself achieving, but you see, that is how I work. I think everything is too hard for me to grasp. Everything I do should not complicate my mind, should not require my mind to think, should not cause me to fret. Even when I choose game levels, often I choose Easy, because I do not want the challenge. I do not want to have to ask for help, I do not want to call it a problem. I am an egoistic person and I'd prefer more than anything to not ask. For once, I am acknowledging this person in me, that she is destroying me. That she doesn't belong to me, that she shouldn't conquer the pie chart on my personality. I regret bringing her into my life, I regret having ever for one moment slacked and rested and had the thought that Everything will be fine because time to wake up, honey, nothing is ever fine and dandy. What I had always liked to believe comprised of white sheets, breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice chomping on hot French toast, rays welcoming me in the warmest way possible. That dark cloud never existed in the picture, that burnt toast, the cordial orange juice, stained sheets. NONE are present in that picture I wish I could tear into pieces. Tear using my hands with strength I never knew I had, the rage, the anger, I never felt so cheated in my life. What makes it worst is that the person to blame is nobody but me. I am a cheater who cheated myself into believing that life is a bed of roses. Into believing that Life is going to be fucking easy for me.

My friend voiced her opinions on how this exam I deem the most important in my 17 years of my life, is indeed unimportant and how more lies in ahead of me. I was keeping this for later, but I guess I'll spill it now. That's the problem, Ginny. I can't always believe that this is not the end of the world, that even if I screw this up I have a back up. I have to wake up from this fantasy island that I've created for myself and get my act together. I've lived all my life believing there will be something for me to redeem myself later, later, and later. The later(s) in my life seemed neverending. I was forever picking myself up from the cushioned ground and letting myself not let it get to me. I need to do well, Ginny. Maybe you don't care, but you have to let me care. I'm not made for your type of cramming sessions. You're a smart girl, and you get your concepts right real fast, and I'm just not like you. I need you to understand how important this is to me, how I want to make it seem like the end of the world for me, because only then I will strive for the best. I've seen that disappointed look on my Mother's look too many times, and it has finally accumulated enough to nudge me in the back. To tell me that enough is enough, it is time to make her proud. You may think I sound hypocritical since throughout the course of which we were hanging out almost everyday, I was screaming on the line with her, but I suppose I've grown outta that. I see how she does things for my betterment, how she really loves me despite not knowing how to. I see how she wants me to do well, how she's secretly hoping that I don't be the worst of the lot of cousins even though she constantly says As long as you do your best, you know I'd be proud. I want to make her proud. I want to let her have something to talk about to her sisters. I want her to be able to boast the way a proud parent would.
I wouldn't say I've changed, because it is only how I've opened my eyes and see how this has affect me in every single aspect. By not thinking well for my future, I am destroying it. I'm sorry for not being there for you as often as I can anymore, but my heart still is. I still love you, and you are special to me. I can't lie and say you're the only special one, but you know I'd do anything for you. I treasure our friendship more than anything, and I don't want it to go down the drain.

When I read your post, I kept the window open and re-read whenever I was at the computer. I kept asking myself, what do I keep doing wrong? Why can't I ever keep a friend that I would be close to from beginning to end? It was a slash, that entry. I know it is nothing compared to how my one month of absence has caused you, if I am as close to you as you described me to be. But for now, I just need to prioritize and set things straight. I'm not saying that you are not my priority but my dear, I'm bad at juggling. I can't do both at once, you know how bad I am at multitasking. I've always wanted to accept your invitations to go out, and to party like how you do, but I just can't take that risk. It's a risk too big, so big it can consume me. I'm sorry dear. I'm sorry you had to cry for me, because it never occurred to me what I was to you with you going on about how you don't believe in best friends. I thought I was just another friend to you, just a little closer due to time spent together. If you can accept my apology, I assure you, after my exams I'd be that friend for you again.

With that, I would also like to apologise to all my friends for putting our friendships on halt whenever it comes to the exam period. Till I manage to eliminate that cushion-preparing side of me, I'm afraid that is how I have to be. I'm sorry I'm not the friend you thought you had, that I'm just one of those selfish bitch who cares about nothing but herself. Well I suppose I am selfish, because wanting to do well is an act of selfishness. If you would like to end ties with me, or give me a taste of my own medicine, I won't blame you because I can't believe I am what I type myself to be either.

I guess it feels better that I've finally manage to get everything out, and that the time spent typing this isn't to waste because it helps me clarify something I wish I could, a long long time ago.


Hello everyone. My name is Wong Hui Yat.