The Monkey Says: Not A Sob

I fell asleep with a lingering thought I couldn't identify in my head, woke up with the exact same feeling.
I question the causes and wonder if I would ever really know for sure.

Perhaps it's for the fact that for once after a very long time, I am lonely. Lonely, being not having that wall to lean on, to babble to whenever everyone is busy with whatever or whoever keeps them off loneliness. Countless times I've convinced myself that I could, obviously, be on my own. How else did I survive 14 years before that?
Did a one-time slip of relying too much caused a permanent need?

The core that bleeds; every drip of blood has a story of its own to tell.
The layer of skin which sheds so often to protect, sometimes I think is no longer there yet a pinch sense of bravery has yet to be detected.

I know I have less to offer in a messed-up rehab meeting, but that doesn't make feeling the same way impossible. If you were to ask me to name one thing going wrong in my life right now, I could give you a list but it will however come up to no value if one is to compare it with another.

I am sad and failure to cry, silently or not, is altogether making things worse for me. I've made myself so strong yet still am so weak. I'll pass if sympathy is what you offer.
What I'm scared of at the moment is that I would actually do something out of my mind, to feel something. To break down what I've built since the last ache. To at least feel something.

Slitting my wrists seems like a pretty good idea right now. Perhaps the pain caused would somehow trigger my tears, once more allowing them to flow like how it used to whenever an emotional hit would occur.

Yet rest assured, I'm too much of a chicken backside to actually have the composure to sit through the pain and seeing it happen right before my eyes.

Having mentioned that perhaps I am lonely, I can already sense a couple of you leaving messages, checking on me, making sure I really am that chicken backside I claim to be. However it has been long ever since I believed in the sincerity of it all. It feels like all I have are plain acquaintances I hang out with, to leisure with, to spend my free time with. At times I wish it goes a little deeper than that.

Till I find you, I'll continue to be that shameless monkey I always am. You, being my wall =)
Till I find you, goodnight.