I sat in the driver's seat today and instantly a 3 minute reflection happened. I've been sitting at the back seat for 16 years now and all I ever did was wonder when would I ever take the wheel.
Yet the thought of it happening in a couple of months' time sets me back.
I wish I could change the angle to a birds' eye view, see where it heads and what has happened that my puny little mind has failed to remember.
I'm scared.
Afraid of not being able to remember the little thing that matters, afraid of taking the next step to create a past for the 60 year old me.
Most of all, afraid of taking the wrong step, ending up in a whirlpool of comments and broken hearts.
I wouldn't want the present to be my future as much as the present pleases me.
This afternoon I wrote a post (then deleted it) on a longing I have. The longing doesn't stay yet it doesn't vanish like how I wish it would.
A longing I would deem as impossible to fulfill as long as changes are not made.
Oh how I wish I could tell you I was living the life. Having utmost fun yet never neglecting what matters the most.
However, how could I, when everything I possess happens to be weak, broken, invisible or no longer there.
The core is empty, nothing lives and at times I wish nothing ever would.
A smile. Deceiving is it not?
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